Chapter 2
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalms 42:11 NIV
Chapter 2
Deidre
One of my favourite things to do as a little girl was to page through the family photo albums. I'd snuggle up close to my mom and she'd patiently recount the stories behind every picture again and again... She'd tell me all about the day I was born in a Ladysmith hospital and how they were expecting a boy, only to be completely surprised by the little girl that showed up instead. About the eight year long struggle to have a baby that she and my dad endured, and how God answered their prayers in the most miraculous way. We'd scroll through the pages, pausing at this and that. Baby days, all the firsts, birthdays, special days, days and days and days...
No matter how many times I paged through those albums, I was always captivated. I understand now what I didn't understand then. They were not just pictures, they were captured moments that echoed truth straight to the heart of a little child "You are loved"
We moved to Durban when I was very young and my early years were filled with all the trappings and privilege of city life. Good schools, ballet class, music lessons and simple comforts. It was a very different time then, pre 1994, and I had little to no exposure to people of other races, except for those in our employ.
Despite the veneer of a picture perfect life, storms were brewing. My parents were shaken by a financial crises, when I was around 6 years old. I recall my mom making light hearted games out of packing up belongings, silly stories about where the car went and why we were moving out of our home. How do you explain complex issues like foreclosure, repossession or bankruptcy to a small child?
Though there must have been tremendous struggles and tears poured out behind closed doors, my parents wrapped me up in all the reassurance they could muster and moved us on into the next phase of our lives.
My mom started working at a local children's home and we moved into a house on the grounds. I spent the largest part of my childhood there. Looking back, I'm so grateful for those years, they moulded my thinking and broadened my perspective in profound ways. So many children, of all races and cultures, broken and in need of love, no different than I. It was there, volunteering in the baby facilities, with abandoned and orphaned HIV and aids babies that I would first encounter deep loss. I can vividly recall crying myself to sleep on the night that one of the first little guys I'd come to know and love, passed away. I understood from a very young age that life was fragile and that tomorrow was a certainty to none.
This understanding was cemented even further at age 13, when my mom faced serious illness, igniting a 10 year long battle, that saw us become uncomfortably familiar with white-knuckled hours spent in hospital waiting rooms and uncertain tomorrows.
My mom started working at a local children's home and we moved into a house on the grounds. I spent the largest part of my childhood there. Looking back, I'm so grateful for those years, they moulded my thinking and broadened my perspective in profound ways. So many children, of all races and cultures, broken and in need of love, no different than I. It was there, volunteering in the baby facilities, with abandoned and orphaned HIV and aids babies that I would first encounter deep loss. I can vividly recall crying myself to sleep on the night that one of the first little guys I'd come to know and love, passed away. I understood from a very young age that life was fragile and that tomorrow was a certainty to none.
This understanding was cemented even further at age 13, when my mom faced serious illness, igniting a 10 year long battle, that saw us become uncomfortably familiar with white-knuckled hours spent in hospital waiting rooms and uncertain tomorrows.
Around this time, a little boy, of mixed race, came into the care of the children's home. He was only 11 months old and had never known loving arms. In spite of all the challenges, we found ourselves overwhelmingly drawn to his sweet smile and sad eyes. My mom always used to say, I grew in her belly, he grew in her heart, and so we became a family of four.
Against the backdrop of these colourful life experiences a very personal battle with depression was beginning to take root. Although I excelled at school and was actively involved in many activities, I always felt just a little out of step with everyone and everything else. Like so many others who have faced that struggle, the answer to the 'why?' seemed so
unattainable. "Why do I feel like this? Why can't I shake this?" Throughout most of my teenage and early adult years, this battle would cast a dark shadow over almost every significant milestone and experience. Surrounded by a sea of people, I was drowning in loneliness and came so close to crossing a line from which there was no return.
Time slipped away and life seemed to pass me by. Moment by moment, caught in a downward spiral of grinding disappointment, missed opportunities and hopelessness.
My family moved across the country, to Zeerust in 2003. Eighteen months later, having no idea what the next step in my life should be, I joined them there. What awaited me I could never even have imagined....
Against the backdrop of these colourful life experiences a very personal battle with depression was beginning to take root. Although I excelled at school and was actively involved in many activities, I always felt just a little out of step with everyone and everything else. Like so many others who have faced that struggle, the answer to the 'why?' seemed so
unattainable. "Why do I feel like this? Why can't I shake this?" Throughout most of my teenage and early adult years, this battle would cast a dark shadow over almost every significant milestone and experience. Surrounded by a sea of people, I was drowning in loneliness and came so close to crossing a line from which there was no return.
Time slipped away and life seemed to pass me by. Moment by moment, caught in a downward spiral of grinding disappointment, missed opportunities and hopelessness.
My family moved across the country, to Zeerust in 2003. Eighteen months later, having no idea what the next step in my life should be, I joined them there. What awaited me I could never even have imagined....
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