Chapter 4

But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine"                          Isaiah 43:1 NIV

Deidre

I love listening to the pattering sound of rain as it soaks the ground and stirs up a beautiful aroma full of life, renewal and hope. Whenever I hear it, it joyfully takes me back to what will always be the most profoundly defining moment of my life ... 

The grindingly slow pace of life in a small town is a tough adjustment when you're used to the rush and fingertip conveniences of the city. Though this phase of my life, at the time, seemed drifting and meaningless, I now have the clarity to be thankful and recognise the grace that flowed through those simple moments. 

My mom was an extraordinary lady and had an amazing gift for unfolding potential and drawing light out of children, both academically and emotionally. She was not just a teacher, but truly called to purpose and touched so many lives. In Zeerust, she served in remedial and development education for young learners. It is under her wing, as teaching assistant, that I discovered new talents and developed a love for the spark that lights up in a child's eyes when the scattered pieces of understanding suddenly come together. 

In early 2006, my mom became very ill. Struggling through her health challenges was nothing new, having done so for the better part of 10 years, but this time was different. She needed to undergo yet another major surgery and I recall her telling me for the first time, that she was afraid. It rattled me terribly, as she had always been so strong and resilient. She certainly had a sense that things were not going to follow the expected route this time... Though she fought valiantly, with so much grace, her body was beyond tired and on the 6th of September 2006, at home and at peace, she passed away.  

Our family was in such turmoil. A mother holds a home together and without her, we felt like scattered shards of a broken glass. My little brother was eight years old at the time and I felt the weight of expectation descend on me to step into that role and fill the shoes that, in my heart, I knew could never be filled. The loneliness, grief and despair was unrelenting and paved the way for that familiar inner darkness, as it threatened to overpower me completely.

A few years later, on a stormy Saturday night in March, I had gone to bed in fits of tears. Tossing and turning as rest and peace evaded me. I don't know whether I spoke actual words, but my heart cried out for help and relief like someone on the brink of drowning. There was a sudden flash of light and the atmosphere in the room changed instantly. Warmth surrounded me like a blanket and I was intensely aware that I was not alone anymore. There was a rumbling in my chest that I had never experienced before, drawing the truth that was buried there for so long out into the light, as the words that would change me forever rung out like a bell.

                 "You are mine"

Completely overwhelmed, I threw myself off the bed, onto my knees and wept like never before. Pouring out every ache that had bound and chained me for longer than I could even remember, in complete surrender to the One who had loved me faithfully through it all. I may have grown up in a Christian home and gone to church often, but as much as I knew OF Jesus I didn't know him, until that moment. My sobs quieted down as I lay on the floor listening to the pattering of the rain outside and the gravity of what had just occurred settled into my spirit. The God of all creation, who breathes life and restoration into every desperate situation had called me to His voice and pulled me up out of the unreachable depths. I am His. I fell asleep on the floor that night, basking in a glorious peace that I had never known.

The following morning I awoke refreshed and eager to go to church for the first time, in a long time. Though the complicated realities of life were still just as present as before, there was hope instead of despair, and I knew I would never be the same. I had heard His voice and He would lead me faithfully into the next phase of my life.